I really should blog more often. 
How is it that time goes so quickly  & more importantly that I have things to talk about (blog about) and yet do not get on here. 
Guess it's because I keep myself as busy...but I like busy.  :)  I am also trying to stay off the computer for hours upon hours & do things that I want to do....get done things I want to get done. 
I finally finished my Disney scrapbook, from 2007!  Man...what a LONG time to get that done...but then I think about what has happened in that 4 years.  So much has happened. 
I wish I could write it all here, but I already feel that I need to get off the computer and get at my day.
So that is what I will do....perhaps I will update later, perhaps it will be months again.... :)

My Rock

What a weekend of blessings. A week really. Funny how hindsight is really 20/20 and that looking back one can see the whys and the silver lining on that cloud. I love watching those around me grow.....sometimes they do not grow as fast as I think they should, but I'm starting to realize that I really have no control...that all I can do is pray and ask for help or guidence on how to be there for those I love and care for. When to build that bridge, to see the door opening & know just what to say. Ultimately, everyone is on their own path...they all eventually get to that crossroad where they have to choose between bitterness/darkness or forgivness/love. I believe that God gives us many opportunities to do that...many crossroads....he is always there, the rock, the foundation that never moves, we move, we waver, we wonder but he never does...he knows and he really has a reason for every single thing, every good thing, every "bad" thing, every hard thing...choosing myself to follow God and knowing that Jesus is my saviour has been uplifiting, strengthening and empowering...sure I still get down and wonder and feel lost, but only because I'm not really looking...I'm not really thinking....I'm almost forgetting....not forgetting but choosing to hang onto the lost feeling or the dark, rather than lean on the one right beside me....the one whose arms are there to hold me..... Being there when someone I love makes that choice to follow love and forgiveness, to follow Jesus & allow him to fill her soul with love, being a part of that moment..wow! What a moment :) Reaffirms what I've come to know...helps strengthen my faith & love for Jesus. Helps me feel the spirit more, What a wonderfully blessed weekend.

I sometimes wonder what goes on in other's minds. I often wonder how someone can not see and be changed by something so dramatic...how someone cannot wonder if it is perhaps not better because they haven't changed yet. Change is inevitable. Growth should be something you strive for in life....you should strive to learn more, know more, try and figure it out...not be content to just pass through, untouched by the things you see, the things happening around you, the people around you. Perhaps it was just a flippant comment by my Dear Husband...but his words when I commented on how I sometimes find it hard to be here, to watch him in pain and to watch him suffer because I am unable to do anything to help him...His words have just bothered me so much. They have angered me...they have made me think, that perhaps that is why you are not healed yet. His comment "well it's not like I'd do anything different then I do now if I wasn't in pain"....really. Really? That is your response....I feel so sad, I feel so frustrated, I feel abondonded...I feel like I am the only one fighting for him, like I am the only one that sees the person he can be, that I am the only one . I feel sad for him, that he cannot see that perhaps his illness is his wake up call, his low point so that when well, he can lust after life...he can desire to do and see and feel and be part of this wonderful, scary, amazing, dark, bright, lfe we live. LIke and alcoholic that needs to hit that bottom, I guess he has not hit his yet. I thought that through the last few weeks, while his illness gets worse and worse and his moods get darker and darker and his hope is lost. I thought that through this he would be changed. I see now that he doesn't desire to change. That he has not hit that point. Yet. Not that he's a horrible person, but I had high hopes that when he was better, he'd want to do more with us, that he'd want to be more of a part of our lives, that he'd be the father, husband, man, person that he should want to be. That he would look outside of himself and what he wants...and see its' not about him. Life is not about us, and what we want...life is about love...loving all. I will hang onto the hope and the faith that he will indeed learn these things, but I also now have the knowledge, that it will possibly get even worse, before getting better. The outcome of all of this hurt and pain, is not in my control. Nothing is in my control.......

Faithful & Thankful

It's funny what you conclusions you can come to when alone in your thoughts. Sure there may be stuff going in in the background, but if you truely are listening and are just quiet in your mind you just may hear something that can change your perspective. At work yesterday, I was working away, doing something I know how to do, so not overly thinking about the task at hand, just quiet in my mind. I had an overwhelming feeling (again, not the first time since Mike's trip to the ER a couple weeks ago) that this illness of his is something to be thankful for. Rather than question the thought, with a "really, what could I possibly be thankful for as it's changed what I thought my life would be" I just agreed. I just thought, "yes, I should be thankful for it, because sometimes with out adversity, people never appreciate what they have that is truely meaningful. Mike is a pessimistic, glass half empty type of guy. He's bitter and angry at his disease, but before this disease came along, he was just bitter and angry at everything. Not all the time mind you, but definately not happy or hopeful. My thought yesterday was simply, be thankful for Mike's illness, because if it, he will be truely be happy when healed, he will enjoy life more, I truely have faith that he will even find God because if it. Just an overwhelming thought/voice, reassurance from God, as I've been praying, daily, sometimes a couple times a day for Mike ot be healed, for his life to be healed. Thank you God, Thank you for answering my prayer.

Patience and Rambles

I should know by now that things take time. I mean, we moved home for 6 months and it has turned into 8 years because life happens.....not the plan, but obviously part of a bigger plan. We are being given an opportunity to possibly buy our house...my Dad's house...I'm excited by it and the more I pray on it, the more I realize that it will be a good idea :) At first I thought that it wouldn't, that God spoke to me and told me "bad idea!!" but I have continued to ask & feel more excited and like it's a good idea, but to not focus on it right now...as right now isn't the time to worry about it....that should not be my focus.
I've realized that the focus should be my kidlets. Evelyn turned 10 a couple days ago! 10! I can't believe it! Time has flown, and she's so strong and grown, yet so little and fragile. She is so sweet, yet so defensive and infuriating....I love her to pieces, and pray that she will grow into a strong, confident woman.
Yanic turned 8 this year...my little sports star....He's so easy going....
My kids are so great, I love them so much! My family is my focus, if we are suppose to buy the house, it will fall into place. If not, well we'll enjoy shopping together :)

Just Rambling

I felt the need to blog as it's been awhile, but don't really have anything profound to say. I almost decided to just turn this off, but thought no, I like to ramble.
It's been a pretty good week for the most part. I've tried to be positive and realize I have no control....at all. Obviously I have self control (or I like to think that I do) but I have no control on the happiness of people. I can surely be an example & do try to be. I can point out the things they should be grateful for when they are not. I can even (most of the time) find things in my life to be grateful for when I'm having a "poor me" day. It's unfortunate that most of my "poor me's" have to do with my marriage and my husbands lack of motivation & selfishness in regards to how much we would love to have him around and do stuff with us, not just for us. He does work hard...and his work is inconsistant and random with no schedule of any kind....but then again, when off, he chooses what to do or not do. We had a conversation to that effect the other day and his response to me was "well when do I get to just do nothing" ... I guess in his defence he had just worked like 80 hours in the last week (give or take) so sure he did "deserve" a day of rest...but I wonder if he forgets how he felt growing up with a Dad who put himself first after work....Don't get me wrong, I love my Father in Law...he's a very giving caring man now...but most of my husbands memories are of him working shift work and then off at baseball. The occasional story of a family trip will be shared, but for the most part, he seems like he missed that bond that could have been shared. It's funny how cycles repeat themselves....my father in laws father was not around...left when they were younger...they still saw him, but he wasn't part of a family. He wasn't there showing Dad how to be a Dad and it trickled down hill.
I get sad when I think of the things he misses...and how our kids are being raised in our family. I am however grateful that my kids also see that & have familys to look to with strong father figures. Dad's that are involved and spend time with their kids on a more consistant basis not just once and awhile. Still, it's not their Dad.
Sermon always makes me think...and todays on Family and Marriage was no different. The book of Malachi was the basis, chapter 2....God uses Marriage as an example of his love for us & his unwaivering committment to us. That is what Marriage was meant to be...a committment, in good and bad, sickness and health, richer or poorer. I do thank God for Mike...I do love him very much. I pray for him daily. I pray for us daily....I pray that God will show Mike the things he should be focusing on are his kids & what he has, not what he does not have. I pray that he realizes that it's not about whether he likes ______ (baseball, soccer, kids plays) fill in the blank ... but about supporting the growth and development of a young lady and a young man. Who both love him with all their hearts, yet see how dark and bitter he can be. I have to trust and I do trust in God time it will all fall into place the way it's meant to be.

Grateful & Hopeful

Sometimes I need to remember that the people aroundme are not necessarily different, but I am.
I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to be surrounded by happiness and love...I think that is what we all strive for. Atleast the love part for sure. It's easy as the days go by to get caught up in the day to day and forget to just reach out.
Sometimes you feel like you are constantly reaching out, but you know...one of the times you reach out, your hand just may be grasped.
Finding God has been the solid, the rock I've looked for all my life. How many times did he reach out before I took hold. Looking back, lots.
How many times do I have to reach out to Mike before he'll take hold...I hope of God, but even if it was just of me. I'd like him to realize how much I Love him & our Family. How what we do day to day does not need to be so dark and depressing, that having Gratitude in the things around us can really make the difference in your life. Yes, we can all get down in the dumps and feel blue, but I find more and more I'm able to find the positive, to be grateful and to Love no matter what and try really hard not to judge...but to support and Love and guide....To be the positive. I'm grateful for the strength to be the Rock, to be the positive & pray for continued strength because sometimes the darkness that surrounds him, is so sad :(